Archive for the 'MoViE ReViEWz' Category

01/20/09 : NOTORIOUS (THE MOVIE REVIEW)

Posted in MoViE ReViEWz on January 20th, 2009 by Luicidal

Why there was a need to make a movie about the Notorious BIG, I’m not sure. Aside from rapping and making 52 songs in his entire life, the man had no real role in society or major contribution to this world. So I downloaded the Notorious movie to check out this so called fairy tale of Biggie. Although, fact is, I watched this story unfold in real life so I can easily compare real to fake. 

The movie starts off with the death of Biggie followed by Biggie growing up and countless scenes of teenage Biggie selling crack, fool please. Angela Basset plays Mrs. Wallace and has a wack ass jafakin accent, shit was horrible. Then she calls the pieces of crack under Big’s bed “mashed potatoes”, right I’m sure that happened. Mrs. Wallace is so innocent and doesn’t know what crack is. 

This movie is somewhat of an insult to the fans of hip hop, not sure if this was a comedy or what, but it was funny as hell seeing wack ass Gravy try to impersonate Biggie. Then they have some little kid jocking the hell out of Biggie playing Lil’ Cease lookin 12 years old. Maybe they should have put this scene from Lil Cease in the movie…

Yes that is Lil’ Cease dancing naked for a room of cheering men and 1 girl. Funny how he shows no attention to the female, but gets excited as the men cheer him on and say “let the monkey out!” I’m just posting the screen shot from it, but the video is on the net if you google.

Moving on to the one and only Puff Daddy P Diddy Puff Man. Of course this fool looking like Chamare Moore in the damn movie. When in reality he was a bucktoothed beaver lookin back up dancer for Heavy D who dressed in hockey jerseys and baseball caps. I would have preferred this movie to have Dave Chappelle’s Diddy…

Then they show Biggie running from the cops. I thought big boy was going to have a fat attack right then and there. They catch Biggie on a gun charge, and he doesn’t snitch. Maybe they should mention the time they were all kicking it in the studio in New York, Cease, Biggie, Kim, Pac, and the cops caught them with illegal firearms with the serial numbers scratched off and all them snitched except Pac. 2Pac took the charge for them all, that wasn’t mentioned. 

Lil Kim was pissed about the movie because they got the girl from 3LW to play her and make her look like a hoe. Well news flash to Kim, you are a hoe. Naming your first album Hardcore and getting your stomach pumped from too much semen doesn’t help your case Kim. Plus the girl from 3LW looks way better than Kim. Oh and the part with Biggie rapping and Faith beat boxing was just freakin cute. Too bad she was probably sleeping with 2Pac and a gang of other men during that same time.

“If Faith had kids she’d probably have two Pacs, get it? 2 Pac’s?” — Notorious BIG 1996

Then cue 2Pac! In comes some douche bag eddie murphy lookin guy wearing a beanie that says THUG LIFE on it. Oh, well that must be him. He looked more like Fedro Starr or Sticky Fingaz than 2pac. And since the 1st 2pac shooting in the movie they make it look like Biggie and Puffy are a bunch of angels. Since the time Pac entered the film, him and Biggie had some type of Bromance going on, which was madd homo, pause. Then who the hell was Suge Knight? Some big ass wrestling lookin guy with a red button up, oh that must be him. I thought it was DJ Enuff. Ridiculous man. Only part I enjoyed is when they played Hit Em Up for fake Gravy Biggie. 

The worst and worst part of this shit hole of a movie is when 2pac gets killed and Biggie, Puffy, and Lil Cease all cry. Yeah I’m sure they were heart broken. 

What a piece of giraffe shit. I can hear Puffy taking peoples money saying “take dat, take dat, take dat”. This movie gives a false representation of what Biggie was to this generation of Hip Hop. They should have put computer generated graphics in this movie cuz nobody looked like they were supposed to…

It was like a bad broadway play, with shitty dialogue, and bad acting. I’m glad they didn’t put Nas in it because they’d probably cast Terry Crews as Nas…

So in conclusion, I bet Biggie and 2Pac are spinning in their graves right now watching this crappy bioptic of their lives. It was nothing but a Puffy run Biggie dick sucking contest and it was bad. You’ll see this garbage at Walgreens for 99 cents on DVD in a year or so or on BET’s Blackbuster of the week. While looking at the movies that the cast of Notorious has acted in, I came across this list…Beauty Shop, Air Buds, The New Guy, and Kazaam. Kazaam, with Shaq. Case closed.

So save your money and stay away from this shit omlette wrapped in a chalupa of a movie. When it hits DVD make sure to catch the deleted scenes of Puffy wiping his ass with the script. 

NOTORIOUS FAIL. And I’m out.

The Mummy 3 : The Dragon Emperor’s Tomb

Posted in MoViE ReViEWz on August 2nd, 2008 by Luicidal

This past Friday, August the 1st, I had the shitty pleasure of viewing one of the worst movies of all time, The Mummy 3 : The Dragon Emperor’s Tomb. Ahh how do I sum up this overpriced piece of Hollywood feces? Basically it was straight ass.

The movie starts out with Jet Li as the Dragon emperor’s quest to become immortal, which ends up with him being entombed after the construction of the Great Wall of China.

Now let’s play a game and name how many Jet Li movies have flopped…

1. Romeo Must Die (featuring crackhead DMX)

2. The One (oooh Jet Li is a robot super-human, ass.)

3. Kiss of the Dragon (shitty inspector chinese film with Bridget Fonda)

4. Hero (Jet Li is a flying assassin, look at me I’m flying and my movies flop)

5. Cradle 2 The Grave (yet another film with crackhead DMX? put the pipe down)

6. Unleashed (movie where Jet Li pretends he’s a dog, woof woof, hanging out too much with DMX)

7. Fearless (this was supposed to be Jet Li’s LAST MOVIE!! what the hell happened?)

8. War (low-budget FBI movie, directed by Phillip Atwell, long time Eminem and Dr. Dre video director)

9. Mummy 3 : The Emperor’s Tomb (Straight Ass-Cheeks)

Almost every single movie Jet Li has starred in has flopped aside from Lethal Weapon 4 in 1998!

Now if his last movie was supposed to be in 2006, why has he continued to make films and star in this piece of fuck-balls titled the Mummy 3?!?!

Well, enough about Mr. Li. Let’s talk about the star of the show Brendan Fraser…

Journey To The Middle of the Earth’s assness just wasn’t enough for Mr. Fraser this summer, he had to shit on us with this giant piece of crap full of ninjas, horseys, skeletons, snowmen, and mummys.

In the begining of The Mummy 3, Brendan Fraser has since retired from the Mummy hunting business and is at home in London with his wife played by Maria Bello. During these scenes we are exposed to overacting, senseless jokes, and some of the worst dialogue I’ve witnessed in a long time. It sounded like they were reading right off the script, line here, line there, insert stupid joke here, blah blah blah.

What happened to the greatness that was once Brendan Fraser? Who started in classics like..

I’d rather watch Brendan weezing the juice with Pauly Shore 100 times then sit through the Mummy 3 again.

Or how about this great Brendan Fraser classic…

Look at that gorilla admiring Brendan Fraser greatness, he is in awe.

Moving on….

I thought this movie might be saved by it’s fight scenes. Hoping maybe they’d choreographed some nice battles or fights or maybe explosions. Nope. Boring as hell. The fight scenes were slow, consisting of guns being thrown around, people swinging from ropes, and random car chases. The battle scenes looked like cheesy remakes of Lord of the Rings, with skeltons fighting everywhere, and statues shooting arrows. I would have preferred to watch a fight scene from the Nintendo Entertainment System’s Kung Fu video game…..

Oh and here is the best part….

The movie has abominable snowmen! You may remember some crazy looking white Yeti beasts from the previews. Well yes they are abominable snowmen, but they are good guys! They help Brendan Fraser fight the bad guys and save them from an avalanche. My favorite part is when one of the snow beasts kicks a bad guy over a roof and another snow beast puts his 2 arms up for a successful field goal sign. It’s good! 3 points for the Snowmen! Incorporating these snow-turds into the film was just corny as hell, how can you even take this movie seriously? Frosty would have been pissed…

Overall, this is one of the worst movies I have seen in my entire life. It is a overpriced CGI piece of shit which spews bad acting, lame graphics, homosexual snowmen, and silly karate actors in funny suits. This movie is straight anaii, and thats the plural word for anus. What a shitload of a fuck this movie is, I want the 2 hours of my life back and my damn 10 dollars. This movie should be rated A for anaii. Thank you.

Shouts out to the Nerd for help with this review.