The Mummy 3 : The Dragon Emperor’s Tomb

This past Friday, August the 1st, I had the shitty pleasure of viewing one of the worst movies of all time, The Mummy 3 : The Dragon Emperor’s Tomb. Ahh how do I sum up this overpriced piece of Hollywood feces? Basically it was straight ass.

The movie starts out with Jet Li as the Dragon emperor’s quest to become immortal, which ends up with him being entombed after the construction of the Great Wall of China.

Now let’s play a game and name how many Jet Li movies have flopped…

1. Romeo Must Die (featuring crackhead DMX)

2. The One (oooh Jet Li is a robot super-human, ass.)

3. Kiss of the Dragon (shitty inspector chinese film with Bridget Fonda)

4. Hero (Jet Li is a flying assassin, look at me I’m flying and my movies flop)

5. Cradle 2 The Grave (yet another film with crackhead DMX? put the pipe down)

6. Unleashed (movie where Jet Li pretends he’s a dog, woof woof, hanging out too much with DMX)

7. Fearless (this was supposed to be Jet Li’s LAST MOVIE!! what the hell happened?)

8. War (low-budget FBI movie, directed by Phillip Atwell, long time Eminem and Dr. Dre video director)

9. Mummy 3 : The Emperor’s Tomb (Straight Ass-Cheeks)

Almost every single movie Jet Li has starred in has flopped aside from Lethal Weapon 4 in 1998!

Now if his last movie was supposed to be in 2006, why has he continued to make films and star in this piece of fuck-balls titled the Mummy 3?!?!

Well, enough about Mr. Li. Let’s talk about the star of the show Brendan Fraser…

Journey To The Middle of the Earth’s assness just wasn’t enough for Mr. Fraser this summer, he had to shit on us with this giant piece of crap full of ninjas, horseys, skeletons, snowmen, and mummys.

In the begining of The Mummy 3, Brendan Fraser has since retired from the Mummy hunting business and is at home in London with his wife played by Maria Bello. During these scenes we are exposed to overacting, senseless jokes, and some of the worst dialogue I’ve witnessed in a long time. It sounded like they were reading right off the script, line here, line there, insert stupid joke here, blah blah blah.

What happened to the greatness that was once Brendan Fraser? Who started in classics like..

I’d rather watch Brendan weezing the juice with Pauly Shore 100 times then sit through the Mummy 3 again.

Or how about this great Brendan Fraser classic…

Look at that gorilla admiring Brendan Fraser greatness, he is in awe.

Moving on….

I thought this movie might be saved by it’s fight scenes. Hoping maybe they’d choreographed some nice battles or fights or maybe explosions. Nope. Boring as hell. The fight scenes were slow, consisting of guns being thrown around, people swinging from ropes, and random car chases. The battle scenes looked like cheesy remakes of Lord of the Rings, with skeltons fighting everywhere, and statues shooting arrows. I would have preferred to watch a fight scene from the Nintendo Entertainment System’s Kung Fu video game…..

Oh and here is the best part….

The movie has abominable snowmen! You may remember some crazy looking white Yeti beasts from the previews. Well yes they are abominable snowmen, but they are good guys! They help Brendan Fraser fight the bad guys and save them from an avalanche. My favorite part is when one of the snow beasts kicks a bad guy over a roof and another snow beast puts his 2 arms up for a successful field goal sign. It’s good! 3 points for the Snowmen! Incorporating these snow-turds into the film was just corny as hell, how can you even take this movie seriously? Frosty would have been pissed…

Overall, this is one of the worst movies I have seen in my entire life. It is a overpriced CGI piece of shit which spews bad acting, lame graphics, homosexual snowmen, and silly karate actors in funny suits. This movie is straight anaii, and thats the plural word for anus. What a shitload of a fuck this movie is, I want the 2 hours of my life back and my damn 10 dollars. This movie should be rated A for anaii. Thank you.

Shouts out to the Nerd for help with this review.

3 Responses to “The Mummy 3 : The Dragon Emperor’s Tomb”

  1. Funny Jokes Says:

    Lamduan Chaiwan molds this statuette from a paste of sawdust, water and glue. Funny Jokes

  2. yay movies Says:

    Sounds like Tomb of the Dragon Emperor met everyone’s expectations… Brendan Frasier tries too hard to act, so you can tell he’s acting

  3. gdd Says:

    The one star I plopped on this clunky bore-athon is due to the presence of the great Jet Li as the evil Dragon Emperor of the subtitle and the gorgeous Michelle Yeoh as Zi Yuan, a witch who’s been on the Emperor¹s ass for over 2000 years.

    Peter Travers
    Rolling Stone

    http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/movie/22126971/review/22126827/the _mummy_tomb_of_the_dragon_emperor

    martial-arts superstar Jet Li triumphs as the mostly wordless evil Emperor Han of ancient China, a glowing magma spirit locked in a terra cotta shell.

    Jane Horwitz
    Washington Post

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/31/AR2008 073100734.html

    Still, Li makes a great villain, using his powers to create fire, ice and other elements.

    Edward Douglas
    Coming Soon
    http://www.comingsoon.net/news/weekendwarriornews.php?id=47377

    Toward the end of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh launch into a vigorous sword fight — and what a grand pleasure it is to watch these two world-class stars in action again…Their duel atop the Great Wall of China is a reunion of titans, an Old Timers’ Day for two actor-athletes still in their sinuous prime. Forgive the effusions of an alter-kocker fanboy, but the flinty glamour of Li and Yeoh — buttressed by the stolid, sneering presence of top Hong Kong villain Anthony Wong Chau-sang (who in 1993 appeared in 15 films!) — is the best reason to catch this third in the series of Indiana Jones knockoffs.

    Richard Corliss
    TIME
    http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1828343,00.html

    A memorably badass Jet Li.
    Nathan Rabin
    AV Club
    http://www.avclub.com/content/cinema/the_mummy_tomb_of_the_dragon

Leave a Reply